Nanotechnology. Some love it, some hate. I hove it. That's a mixture of hate and love. But since i only took a letter from hate and 3 letters from love, i guess i love it more. Nuh, not really. I never know. Comparing the humongous cell phones then to the razor thin ones, to ear phones that muffled the entire ear to wireless ear pieces that look like sequins from afar. I bet technology had its share of embarrassment then, but so does nanotechnology now.
Here's technology recounting his share of boo boo's: With the giant portable phone in the past, i guess it was made to match portable toilets. It was so huge, with the long, sticky outy antennas. Back then when someone was on the phone, everyone else around the caller had to be on the alert and get ready to duck whenever he turned left and right. "ugh, charlie, the reception here is absurdly poor! Hang on, let me pull out my antenna...right, up it goes...no wait let me stand nearer here...to the left..ah, much better! What were you sayin again?" I can just imagine the poor people around Charlie's friend, ducking here and there tryin to protect their eyes from gettin skewed like a kabab on the antenna. I think their worst fear would be when Charlie says " Oh, you're here too? Where? Lemme look around for you!" and starts lookin left, right, high and low.
And here's nanotechnology's share of bad experiences: What with all those tiny ear phones and credit card slim phones, you can't really tell if your friend is talking to you or someone on the line. Once I was in the elevator with my tutor and I had no inkling of common sense that she was on the line. She asked some question i can't remember (thank goodness) and I replied. To which i received an odd stare. I was like what, 12, and i thought pretending could cover up any mistake. So i started pretending to recite my chinese stuff aloud right there in the elevator. Ah, the inverse proportions of nanotechnology to embarrassment never cease to amaze me.
Friday, February 29, 2008
#6 watching
I like watching people. Or people watching. whichever you call it. I think i should make it a hobby.
Its fun watching people walk. Some do so with a swagger, some sasshay, some have a jaunty little skip in their stride, and some walk perched on their perfect little pedicured toes. High heels, seriously. Its amazing how the celebs can walk with such heels and not stumble. Speaking of stumbling, what's more fun than watching people walk is watching people stumble. Im not a sadist, but here's where i get my laughs. When people trip while walking, some have to look back and spot- no, scruntinize what made them trip. Its as if they needed tweezers to pick up the accusatory pebble which made them trip. "somebody better put some cones and red tape here! dangerous trip-inducing pebble!" While others just keep walking on and don't look back, pretending it never happened. "I tripped? No, i meant for that to happen. I skipped, thats what it was. I was so happy over my promotion 2 years ago that i had to give that skip of joy." Better yet are the ones who have to show that they didn't trip. "Oh no, better start into a jog so it isn't that obvious! There's nothing to watch here, just a lady in heels jogging!"
Its fun watching people walk. Some do so with a swagger, some sasshay, some have a jaunty little skip in their stride, and some walk perched on their perfect little pedicured toes. High heels, seriously. Its amazing how the celebs can walk with such heels and not stumble. Speaking of stumbling, what's more fun than watching people walk is watching people stumble. Im not a sadist, but here's where i get my laughs. When people trip while walking, some have to look back and spot- no, scruntinize what made them trip. Its as if they needed tweezers to pick up the accusatory pebble which made them trip. "somebody better put some cones and red tape here! dangerous trip-inducing pebble!" While others just keep walking on and don't look back, pretending it never happened. "I tripped? No, i meant for that to happen. I skipped, thats what it was. I was so happy over my promotion 2 years ago that i had to give that skip of joy." Better yet are the ones who have to show that they didn't trip. "Oh no, better start into a jog so it isn't that obvious! There's nothing to watch here, just a lady in heels jogging!"
#5 shampoo here
I've only recently discovered the incredible, undescribable great feeling of having your hair washed at the hair dressers'. The water's warm, the shampoo-er's hands are so nimble, they feel so great on your tensed up scalp that you just feel like releasing your inhibitions and screaming in enjoyment and pleasure. Ok, wait. don't even think that way. I wasn't meaning that. But it does feel pleasurable. Like a little treat for our poor heads.
Once, I got this shampoo boy who washed my hair in the most bizzare method. He'd wet my hair, then lather up with shampoo. After that he'd use his two index fingers and play what i'm only capable of describing as "twinkle fingers" on my forehead. Like dum-dee-dum-dee-dum and happily tap his fingers on my forehead. I started to wonder if he was counting my oil clots and pimples or practicing his secret method of relaxation which he probably learned from some old, monk lookalike guy living on some mountain.
But other than that, getting your hair washed by someone else feels great. I think the next time i feel stressed, i'll walk right over to the salon and request for a wash. Yes, just a wash. No cutting, please.
I guess the worst thing that could happen in that scenario is when i head over for too many a wash.
"err, im sorry miss, but a whole clump of your hair just dropped out and blocked the sink. I guess the anti-septic wash killed your hair cells."
Maybe that's why they invented the massage chair to help you relax. Not a shampoo boy on-call.
Once, I got this shampoo boy who washed my hair in the most bizzare method. He'd wet my hair, then lather up with shampoo. After that he'd use his two index fingers and play what i'm only capable of describing as "twinkle fingers" on my forehead. Like dum-dee-dum-dee-dum and happily tap his fingers on my forehead. I started to wonder if he was counting my oil clots and pimples or practicing his secret method of relaxation which he probably learned from some old, monk lookalike guy living on some mountain.
But other than that, getting your hair washed by someone else feels great. I think the next time i feel stressed, i'll walk right over to the salon and request for a wash. Yes, just a wash. No cutting, please.
I guess the worst thing that could happen in that scenario is when i head over for too many a wash.
"err, im sorry miss, but a whole clump of your hair just dropped out and blocked the sink. I guess the anti-septic wash killed your hair cells."
Maybe that's why they invented the massage chair to help you relax. Not a shampoo boy on-call.
Monday, February 25, 2008
#4 stay awake!boo!
Yawn. i am tired. You'd think that since its the holidays now i'd feel more rested. but nope. i guess the late night movies at 2am weren't helping much. Yawn. Who was it that decided the action of opening your mouth wide to allow more oxygen to enter your brain should be called a yawn? it certainly isn't the sound i make when i yawn. what happens is i open my mouth and i inhale loudly. Its almost silent- unless you listen closely then you can hear this noise which sounds like the slow motion of a gasp. And why must that surprising sound we make be called a gasp?i know for sure that we definitely don't say "GASP! did you see how big ellen page's stomach was in Juno?" i mean, sure, we do the action, but the sound that comes out doesn't sound like a g-a-s-p. ok im digressing. focus!
oh yeah, i was talking about being tired. I think most of us are always tired when we're supposed to be wide awake. why?why does our biological clock always go cuckoo on us when we need it right?
And we, lazy homosapiens who love short cuts and secret formulas, come up with a million and one ways to stay awake. Some chew sour gum or lime juice, some slap themselves, some pinch themselves and some bite their fingernails. ok fine the last one's just me. What i don't get is why must we subject ourselves to pain in order to stay awake? why can't being happy be the formula instead? Maybe we should invent a Giggle Gadget that we can bring along. But then i guess it'd be weird to see giggling exhausted people in school or at the office.
"And so, *giggle* excuse me, we can see that stocks are *giggle* increasing in the productivity *giggle* area *giggle* . I'm sorry boss, *giggle* i'm tired. *giggle*" . Hey, happy people live longer anyway. oh! an involuntary smile pill should help. grin like nobody's business
oh yeah, i was talking about being tired. I think most of us are always tired when we're supposed to be wide awake. why?why does our biological clock always go cuckoo on us when we need it right?
And we, lazy homosapiens who love short cuts and secret formulas, come up with a million and one ways to stay awake. Some chew sour gum or lime juice, some slap themselves, some pinch themselves and some bite their fingernails. ok fine the last one's just me. What i don't get is why must we subject ourselves to pain in order to stay awake? why can't being happy be the formula instead? Maybe we should invent a Giggle Gadget that we can bring along. But then i guess it'd be weird to see giggling exhausted people in school or at the office.
"And so, *giggle* excuse me, we can see that stocks are *giggle* increasing in the productivity *giggle* area *giggle* . I'm sorry boss, *giggle* i'm tired. *giggle*" . Hey, happy people live longer anyway. oh! an involuntary smile pill should help. grin like nobody's business
Saturday, February 23, 2008
#3 oops, wasn't me
Everybody farts. its a fact of life, face it. even shiny pretty humans like paris hilton farts. only no one knows cuz the paparazzi can't capture a fart on camera. maybe they should invent a camera that detects farts in the future. then they can also start a fart tabloid.
you know how that old joke goes. When the american farts, he says "excuse me"; when the british farts, he says "pardon me"; and when the singaporean farts, he says "not me". its true actually.
i mean, there's just something condemningly horribly embarrassing about admitting that that helluva poison gas was produced by someone who looks like they can do a air-wick commercial. its not so bad when you fart while walking, cause there's so much people and so much movement, i guess the stink bomb diffuses quickly. unless of course, the sound comes with it, then good luck pretending it didn't come from you.
but you know what's the worse thing? when you fart in the lift. its just a small enclosed area with that ventilator fan whirling around above your heads, it doesn't help much if the lift's crowded. So when you let go, you better start looking around and put that accusatory look on your face so people'll think you're one of the many victims in that lift subjected to those biological fumes. i guess that's not the worst thing that could happen to you, cause no one could point a finger at you for sure and say "aha! its you! i knew it cause i saw your skirt swish when you farted!" No, in a crowded lift, that could never happen. Unless a skirt chaser was standing behind you and he's allergic to fart.
No i gues the worst thing that could happen is when you're alone in the lift with just another person. Now that's the embarrassment bomb. its either you or that person. and you can't pretend it didn't come from you cause that's just stupid. "geez, what'd you have for lunch, mexican food and beans?"
you know how that old joke goes. When the american farts, he says "excuse me"; when the british farts, he says "pardon me"; and when the singaporean farts, he says "not me". its true actually.
i mean, there's just something condemningly horribly embarrassing about admitting that that helluva poison gas was produced by someone who looks like they can do a air-wick commercial. its not so bad when you fart while walking, cause there's so much people and so much movement, i guess the stink bomb diffuses quickly. unless of course, the sound comes with it, then good luck pretending it didn't come from you.
but you know what's the worse thing? when you fart in the lift. its just a small enclosed area with that ventilator fan whirling around above your heads, it doesn't help much if the lift's crowded. So when you let go, you better start looking around and put that accusatory look on your face so people'll think you're one of the many victims in that lift subjected to those biological fumes. i guess that's not the worst thing that could happen to you, cause no one could point a finger at you for sure and say "aha! its you! i knew it cause i saw your skirt swish when you farted!" No, in a crowded lift, that could never happen. Unless a skirt chaser was standing behind you and he's allergic to fart.
No i gues the worst thing that could happen is when you're alone in the lift with just another person. Now that's the embarrassment bomb. its either you or that person. and you can't pretend it didn't come from you cause that's just stupid. "geez, what'd you have for lunch, mexican food and beans?"
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
#2 fatal attraction, cupcake
You know how people like to use tt term fatal attraction?like "wow she's so hot" or "she's drop dead gorgeous". and then some guys like to tell those girls who aren't drop dead gorgeous, "hey you look prettier when you smile". And when you know you secretly like the dude back, you'll smile as much as you can when you're around him. but wouldn't it be hilariously weird if everytime he comes around you suddenly smile and light up like a lightbulb?
say you've been having a bad day all along and then you spot him in the distance and you start showing off your pearly white teeth like you're in a oral-b commercial. now that's not pretty, that's creepy, more like it. Now there's a catch to that "you look prettier when you smile" compliment. it actually means "im sorry honey, the sultry pout that models love to do doesn't work for you, so try smiling like the girl next door. But don't smile too much till you look like some maniac especially when you have spinach stuck in between your teeth. Cuz then it won't be fatal attraction anymore, it just be fatal."
And i know some people think wearing those tight tank tops that expose their bellys look hot. i don't have anything against that look cuz some people actually do look good in them. But if i weighed like 80 kilos and i had a flabby tummy i definitely wouldn't wear them cuz dang, its not hot anymore. I'd look like one of those cupcakes. with really small cups and fluffy delicious pastry threatening to spill over anytime. i suppose that look is cute on a cupcake with rainbow sprinkles and all; but not when its on me, with a tight tank top squeezing the life and flesh outta my mid drift. i guess no one would be calling me "cupcake" anytime soon then.
for a more professonal monologue/reflection, try this: http://ellen.warnerbros.com/ellens_thoughts/
say you've been having a bad day all along and then you spot him in the distance and you start showing off your pearly white teeth like you're in a oral-b commercial. now that's not pretty, that's creepy, more like it. Now there's a catch to that "you look prettier when you smile" compliment. it actually means "im sorry honey, the sultry pout that models love to do doesn't work for you, so try smiling like the girl next door. But don't smile too much till you look like some maniac especially when you have spinach stuck in between your teeth. Cuz then it won't be fatal attraction anymore, it just be fatal."
And i know some people think wearing those tight tank tops that expose their bellys look hot. i don't have anything against that look cuz some people actually do look good in them. But if i weighed like 80 kilos and i had a flabby tummy i definitely wouldn't wear them cuz dang, its not hot anymore. I'd look like one of those cupcakes. with really small cups and fluffy delicious pastry threatening to spill over anytime. i suppose that look is cute on a cupcake with rainbow sprinkles and all; but not when its on me, with a tight tank top squeezing the life and flesh outta my mid drift. i guess no one would be calling me "cupcake" anytime soon then.
for a more professonal monologue/reflection, try this: http://ellen.warnerbros.com/ellens_thoughts/
#1 ellentastic!
instead of using the word fantastic, i've coined a new term in honor of how ellen makes us all feel everyday. so when we've had a super rad day, i'll say "how was you day? i've had an ellentastic day!" see? its so much more appropriate than FANtastic. i mean what does a fan gotta do with making people feel so happy that they've used the word fan for a term that means wonderful?
i'm guessing that in the past, it was probably very hot and humid, so when they discovered the fan, it felt so soothing and cool that they decided to pay tribte to this wonderful invention and say, "my my, watson, the weather today is simply fantastic!"
i mean, don't get me wrong, the fan is a very good invention. if there were no fans, there wouldn't be air conditioners, cuz air cons used the fan as an inspiration. and imagine what we'd all be like without fans! i bet we'd all be so wet with our sweat we'd all just stick together if we bumped into another person. then we'd have no use for velcro strips. or post-it notes. all we'd need to do is swab the strip of paper on our arms and stick it onto our books as a post-it note.
i'm guessing that in the past, it was probably very hot and humid, so when they discovered the fan, it felt so soothing and cool that they decided to pay tribte to this wonderful invention and say, "my my, watson, the weather today is simply fantastic!"
i mean, don't get me wrong, the fan is a very good invention. if there were no fans, there wouldn't be air conditioners, cuz air cons used the fan as an inspiration. and imagine what we'd all be like without fans! i bet we'd all be so wet with our sweat we'd all just stick together if we bumped into another person. then we'd have no use for velcro strips. or post-it notes. all we'd need to do is swab the strip of paper on our arms and stick it onto our books as a post-it note.
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