#20 What's in a Name?

After watching so many games of Weird Newscasters, names like Keith My Pasty White Butt really impresses you. Ok no, its just me.
Then out of a sudden you're making your own breaking news stories like: "This just in, the results of the art is stationery race have been announced. The pencil and eraser have crossed the finish line at the same time, its a DRAW!" yeah, I know, cerebral-not-so-much.
But anyway, it just got me thinking. Names are quite the important thing in life.
Like the old joke goes, if you're Asian and you happen to have the surname Kok, never name your son Harry; or your daughter Annie.

So sue me for drifting, but I just thought of something else. Fight or flight. Flight meaning you scuttle away in the event of a catastrophe. But why use the word flight?
Does that mean birds that fly are cowards? If that's the case, then why is the chicken, a bird that can't fly, a name we use for scaredy cats? oh and cats. If the cat is another jumpy creature, why do we associate lions as symbols of courage?

#19 the Being Slow hoedown

It really sucks being so slow cuz you'll never be fast
And when you're up out there you'll always be last
Tryin to be like Ryan Stiles or Colin Mochrie
Impossible since I can only rhyme with ha hee hee

# 18 Stand, sit, bend?

I was wondering, why are funny tv shows called a SITcom, while funny gigs are called STANDup comedy? Ok, maybe cuz the dude's standing on stage telling his bagful of jokes, while we at home sit on our gluteus maximus and laugh at funny tv shows. But what happens if we chose to stand and watch sitcoms? Who knows? Maybe they're showing it on a crowded commute. Or sit down to watch standup comedy? What'll we call them then? Just funny stand/sit shows?
Oh wait. What if we're in the middle of our squarting exercises? And our pants're too tight? And we have a stitch in our side from laughing too hard? And then the worst happens, we shart?
I can't answer that one right now. I think I'll have to dig Einstein up and ask him.
I just can't think while I'm doing my yoga and watching FUNNY twist-coms.

#17 TV Hoedowns

I love my TV, it is my best friend
I'm entertained by lots of shows, it really is quite grand
I laugh along with punchlines, I'm stuck on them like glue
And when I looked down, Hey surprise! My shoes no longer blue

#16 Speak of the...Wait, how long were you here?!

There's all sorts of sticky situations. Some as sticky as honey, some sticker than sticky tape. The type where even a good scraper couldn't save you. You know what im talking about. Talking about someone behind their back. When you have absolutely no idea they're behind your back.
Its not so bad when you're making a neutral statement, but when you had to go all "Did you see Jimmy today? What was he thinking with those spanking white pants? I know its memorial day, but white pants? With those apple bottoms of his? Boy, that outfit's sure gonna have a memorial day of its own!"
And you're laughing at your own snarky joke about Jimmy, thinking you're so smart and funny with punchlines similar to Ellen and then your friends start giving you funny looks. And you're puzzled, trying to remember if you guys had curry or something cuz they look like they really need to go, like right now. And you're still as clueless as ever, but their looks are starting to annoy you and go "What? you're looking all funny, as if he's right behind...oh."
And Lo' behold, the Grim Jim is looking right at you. Well this is awkward.
My first reflex would be to cover it up. I mean you can't just run off cuz that's just rude, and you can't apologize right there and then cuz it'll just seem like you're apologizing because he's there. So what i'd suggest would be to pretend that you're either reciting your monologue to your friends, or "report" what your neighbor said about her friend who coincidentally is called Jim too. Which is just a nicer way of addressing gossip.
"Oh hi Jim! i was just telling my friends my latest monologue. Guess what, you're my inspiration!" ok, no maybe that couldn't work. Perhaps the "...and that's what my cousin said about his neighbor! can you believe it?" line could do the trick. Well waddya know?
Anything's possible now. I mean, did you hear about the panda who decided yellow suited him better? And it even went for plastic surgery! Since when were animals so vain? I know right? I can't believe...Wait. What's that look for?
Oh, hi there, you adorable yellow fuzzball! I was just telling my friends here how cute you are! Not that you were ugly before, but you look real good now!
I think I should get going before I land in a pool of honey. Now that's sticky.

#15 Scrambling rambling

Crazy people who buy clothes during those sales periods like there's no tomorrow irk me. Although if there was no tomorrow, i have no idea why people would wanna stock up on clothes. You'd think there're other things worth stocking up on. Like say, torchlights, radios and oh, flippers. Am i right, penguins? I cannot fathom how does rushing into a crowd with your arms akimbo helps you get the stuff you want. Besides the fact that you'll give away more black&blues' and add to air pollution with BO. Some people tell me scrambling and rambling's the way to go cuz humans were born to survive. What with natural selection and all that. If that's the case, i can't even begin to imagine how the early cavemen got their groceries done- on free charcoal day. All that greasy dreadlocks and callouses right in your face. ouch.

I think rats have perfected the art of the scramble ramble. That sounds like a wrestling match that the cavemen set up, pitching rats against each other. Probably leading to what we know today as the rat race. But please don't ask me how the art of sumo evolved. That's probably another story. Especially the part where they added rats into the sumo ring to spice things up.

#14 Writers' unmentionables

Looking back at the history of new words, I've realised that there's plenty of words we dare type and write out but never dare to say out loud. Like for instance thingamijig. What in the good name of english history is that, i hear you ask? It's actually just a thing. Or thingy, to all you text messaging lightning fingers. There's plenty of unmentionables going around, and i bet its probably because we're too lazy to speak the proper words. Like how birthday evolved to bday. And Valentines became Vday. And how dictionary became- ok nevermind. Talk about tongue exercise. Lift up that 5 pound tongue stud! again! again!

Really, I don't understand why people have to come up with colorful words like kahoona! and egad! in their writings when they know they'll never say it outta their mouths. Probably cuz it increases the potential for showers of blessings with their spittle. And maybe the occational flying wonder denture.

If we're gonna keep on using these writers' unmentionables, I think we should say them out loud too. But to prevent moments of booboo, maybe scientists should invent a bib-like thing to catch all our spittle or whatever it is that flies out of our mouths. We should call it the "Watch out! Unmentionable coming through" bib. Now that's coolio, dontcha think?

#13 And i think i'm pretending...

Just the other day the bus halted to a stop so suddenly that everyone jerked forward so hard, i think we all grew by an inch. Let me get my measuring tape... yep, just as i had suspected. Anyway, i was standing so i looked like a neanthethal learning ballet while trying to avoid crashing into the girl next to me. How embarrassing; it's going on my black list just after removing my stockings on the bus and talking to a random stranger whom i thought was my friend and calling the Ben & Jerry's cow mascot "Daisy the Queen Fairy" after having too many drinks. No, i think that could exist on a list by itself if it happened.

The thing is, the gift of pretending can come in pretty handy sometimes. Now listen, i said sometimes. I can't help you if you mischieviously smacked an old lady's bottom, mistaking her for your nanny. Although i have not the slightest idea why anybody would do that. And no, telling her you saw a mosquito is not going to help your situation either. But that aside, pretending is pretty much cool. Say you've accidentally tripped while walking on the sidewalk; you could break into a jog and pretend you're training for a marathon-on Manolo heels. Or you've been caught digging your nose; "well, i was trying to adjust my nose stud that the body-art artist pierced upside down." Or you accidentally sing out of tune during chapel; just cough, look apologetic and say "New diaphrams".
And if you knock over a screaming yellow, look-at-me, "Danger-wet floor" cone in a huge mall, and attract lots of attention, i highly suggest quickly putting the poor cone upright again and pretend you're auditioning for a broadway show as the leading old lady. Cuz telling them you were watching ellen on a certain person's ipod isn't exactly helpful-even if it's the truth. *ahem, you know who you are*

I guess my pretending to be Billy Elliot on the bus the other day wasn't that helpful after all; considering the commuters' cross expressions and myraid of bandages on their toes when i alighted. oops

#12 yakedy yak show

Ellen's into her fifth season of her talk show, and she's done all sorts of things to pass the time. Dancing, Kaw-ing, you name it, she's probably done it. The other day she was having the $100 000 game week, and oh boy, do i applaude her. Being a talk show host isn't exactly a bed of roses. You meet all sorts of people, the tall-short-fat-thin-chatty-clammy-smelly-jumpy-huggy-screamy type. This lady on her show won and she went hyper sceamy. Ellen's face was hilarious! "aw crap another hug! But it was nice i guess. The crew better have my wipes ready, i love my audience but i dont wanna smell like them."
Being a talkshow host sure is tough. You gotta make everyone happy and comfortable, even though you feel like someone planted a cactus on your seat. Even if your favourite pair of trousers has a split cuz you danced over the coffee table one too many times. Even if they have fish breath. You gotta offer them mints without insulting them. I know, lets replace the mallows with mints and play the mallow game. Ok, that's better. Do i still look like a member of the Blue Man Group?
You gotta hug them, scream with them, keep them talking if they look like their lips're frozen together, or stop them from talking cuz you gotta remind the audience who's the host again. Sometimes i can almost see her going on in her head "Just keep talking. just keep talking..." in the tune of Dory's motto, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." As they say, the show must go on. But i totally have no idea how that's gonna happen if an audience member has me in a bear hug so tight the death grip would be ashamed. Or if i have on thongs so tight i could taste the cotton plant. Cuz then i wouldn't be able to dance over my coffee table and the show could never go on. Before ellen, i never knew the therapeutic powers of dancing. Who knew a little jig and shimmy could be so helpful? At the end of the day, if dancing over your coffee table or flower pot helps, do it! Who cares if it increases the risk of gaining a hole in the crotch of your trousers? At least you're feeling all good and ready to go, since there's only..."30 seconds to air"

# 11 Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Its pretty awkward when we bum into people who remember us like yesterday but we remember them like last century. You're thinking should you smile and wiggle your way outta the situation or start playing "guess my name".
And all the names start flooding your mind, fred, joe, allen, jim,no that's not right, its doug! Wait, or was it sally? Gee i can't remember.
You can tell when you're the bumper and you've caught your friend (or at least he was, 20 years ago) unaware. They've got that deer in the headlights look, their gaze is shifty, and their feet look like they're competiting for a re-match against the penguins from Happy Feet.
After getting over the disappointment that your friend has remembered you as well as their 6th grade math formulas, the fate of their embarrassment lies in your hands. Should you make them sweat or let 'em off the hook?
"Hey what's up, Bob! Its been like 10 years!" "uh yea hi.."
"Its me! Susan! From elementary school! Gosh, I still remember when you had that haircut! So..What's up? Anything interesting?"
"uhh..No. Hey listen, I'd really like to catch up, but I gotta..." "Aww, come on, I'm sure you could steal like 5 minutes to chat,"
" uh, well I was thinking of robbing that bank downtown, and uh, I've never been good at picking locks, and uh.."
That, i think has to be the best get-away-from-me line ever. Because I'm sorry, i'd love being friends and all, but I'd never be caught dead wearing an orange jumpsuit. Nuh-uh. Orange just isn't my color. Maybe neon green?

#10 waiting...

Waiting is a funny thing. Well at least I like to think of it as funny. People say it teaches patience, I think it teaches you what to do with your body instead of going rigid with shock that we still have to wait in an "instant" world. I like to watch what people do while they wait. Some hum a little tune, tap their fingers on whatever they can find (table, side of their legs, side of their cheeks...oh wait that one's just simon cowell). Some others like to stare into blank space. I like to call that spazzing/stoning. It looks like the most fun thing to do while waiting cuz you can do nothing, or you can imagine you're doing stuff i your head without actually doing it. (Now now, don't think it that way). Like drumming your fingers without actually doing that, or how to get that booger that's been bugging you all day outta your nose without looking like a neanderthal. Oh maybe that's just me. I think. Or is it? You never know what's going on in people's head while they wait. Its random. Just like the particles of air moving at high speeds and colliding into each other. Kinda like bumper cars. whoopee doo. You know what i just realised? Waiters. They're called waiters cuz they wait on you. Duh. I knew that. But they also make you wait. No, not the serving kind. The twiddling thumbs thing. Waiters make you wait. The main culprit's the chef, but waiters're the scapegoats. they're the faces we see while our stomachs grumble. If the soup of the day is late, people snap at the waiter, adding in unreasonable requests. "Why can't you stap on rollers and hurry over?! The soup's cold! What, you had to visit the Atlantic before getting to my table?" And "Stop all that smile and chatting! Start serving! I'm starving!" Sadly, waiters are paid to be polite. "Now Steven. You know what your job requires. Do whatever it takes to keep the diners' mind off the waiting. If you have to stuff 3 bread rolls into their mouth, do it." wow. what a job.
Hey Steven, what's your job right now? Oh i'm paid to make people wait without getting 'em pissed. what a job eh? So what about you John? Oh i make my living consoling people and enlightening their wallets. Get it? Con-man equals console, not con-con.
Ah, finally! my Penang famous fried noodles are here! I'm proud to say i waited this monologue out. Sadly, i havent come up with a plan for operation: Remove that booger

#9 A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle

Recently i've been reading the 9th book of the Princess Diaries series and i was reminded of this hilarious quote which led me to think about the most unlikely pairs. "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." There're plenty of unlikely pairs out there if we look hard enough. Like a crow having a drink at the bar and inventing the first crow-made tool it decided to call the tool the crowbar. Or a crab enjoying Little Lulu's birthday cake so much it sparked the inspiration for the crabcake.

Or a talk show host bonding with her coffee table. Who would've thunk? Or Simon Cowell comparing a song to eating garlic with ice cream.

Y'all can think of all sorts of unlikely pairs, but some of you may say "I bet there wasn't an animal on the dancefloor"

Which my only response to you would be, then i assume you've never seen the chicken dance before.

#8 couch potato

I absolutely love slacking at home as much as watching ellen. So you probably know what i love most: slacking at home and watching ellen. Perfect way to start your day if you want to start it at 5pm. Total couch potato, i know. Hey, whoever came up with the name couch potato anyway? why not couch tomato or couch celery? Tomatos are way softer than potatoes before they're cooked. Or become mashed potatoes. What with the world moving at such a fast pace now, slacking at the comfort of your own home is a rare luxury. So anyway, couch potato. Does that mean that if you lie on your sofa all day you'll end up looking all dry and yellow and bent out of shape?

Instructions to look like a potato for haloween (its absolutely free!):
1) Take a day or two off school or work
2)Lie down and be comfortable on your sofa
3)Switch on the telly and keep your eyes glued to the screen. Remember to go for toilet breaks!
4)Stay in this position and wait for your skin to turn yellow and sprout black heads
And you're good to go!

#7 nano bits of tremendous embarrassment

Nanotechnology. Some love it, some hate. I hove it. That's a mixture of hate and love. But since i only took a letter from hate and 3 letters from love, i guess i love it more. Nuh, not really. I never know. Comparing the humongous cell phones then to the razor thin ones, to ear phones that muffled the entire ear to wireless ear pieces that look like sequins from afar. I bet technology had its share of embarrassment then, but so does nanotechnology now.
Here's technology recounting his share of boo boo's: With the giant portable phone in the past, i guess it was made to match portable toilets. It was so huge, with the long, sticky outy antennas. Back then when someone was on the phone, everyone else around the caller had to be on the alert and get ready to duck whenever he turned left and right. "ugh, charlie, the reception here is absurdly poor! Hang on, let me pull out my antenna...right, up it goes...no wait let me stand nearer here...to the left..ah, much better! What were you sayin again?" I can just imagine the poor people around Charlie's friend, ducking here and there tryin to protect their eyes from gettin skewed like a kabab on the antenna. I think their worst fear would be when Charlie says " Oh, you're here too? Where? Lemme look around for you!" and starts lookin left, right, high and low.

And here's nanotechnology's share of bad experiences: What with all those tiny ear phones and credit card slim phones, you can't really tell if your friend is talking to you or someone on the line. Once I was in the elevator with my tutor and I had no inkling of common sense that she was on the line. She asked some question i can't remember (thank goodness) and I replied. To which i received an odd stare. I was like what, 12, and i thought pretending could cover up any mistake. So i started pretending to recite my chinese stuff aloud right there in the elevator. Ah, the inverse proportions of nanotechnology to embarrassment never cease to amaze me.

#6 watching

I like watching people. Or people watching. whichever you call it. I think i should make it a hobby.
Its fun watching people walk. Some do so with a swagger, some sasshay, some have a jaunty little skip in their stride, and some walk perched on their perfect little pedicured toes. High heels, seriously. Its amazing how the celebs can walk with such heels and not stumble. Speaking of stumbling, what's more fun than watching people walk is watching people stumble. Im not a sadist, but here's where i get my laughs. When people trip while walking, some have to look back and spot- no, scruntinize what made them trip. Its as if they needed tweezers to pick up the accusatory pebble which made them trip. "somebody better put some cones and red tape here! dangerous trip-inducing pebble!" While others just keep walking on and don't look back, pretending it never happened. "I tripped? No, i meant for that to happen. I skipped, thats what it was. I was so happy over my promotion 2 years ago that i had to give that skip of joy." Better yet are the ones who have to show that they didn't trip. "Oh no, better start into a jog so it isn't that obvious! There's nothing to watch here, just a lady in heels jogging!"

#5 shampoo here

I've only recently discovered the incredible, undescribable great feeling of having your hair washed at the hair dressers'. The water's warm, the shampoo-er's hands are so nimble, they feel so great on your tensed up scalp that you just feel like releasing your inhibitions and screaming in enjoyment and pleasure. Ok, wait. don't even think that way. I wasn't meaning that. But it does feel pleasurable. Like a little treat for our poor heads.
Once, I got this shampoo boy who washed my hair in the most bizzare method. He'd wet my hair, then lather up with shampoo. After that he'd use his two index fingers and play what i'm only capable of describing as "twinkle fingers" on my forehead. Like dum-dee-dum-dee-dum and happily tap his fingers on my forehead. I started to wonder if he was counting my oil clots and pimples or practicing his secret method of relaxation which he probably learned from some old, monk lookalike guy living on some mountain.
But other than that, getting your hair washed by someone else feels great. I think the next time i feel stressed, i'll walk right over to the salon and request for a wash. Yes, just a wash. No cutting, please.
I guess the worst thing that could happen in that scenario is when i head over for too many a wash.
"err, im sorry miss, but a whole clump of your hair just dropped out and blocked the sink. I guess the anti-septic wash killed your hair cells."
Maybe that's why they invented the massage chair to help you relax. Not a shampoo boy on-call.

#4 stay awake!boo!

Yawn. i am tired. You'd think that since its the holidays now i'd feel more rested. but nope. i guess the late night movies at 2am weren't helping much. Yawn. Who was it that decided the action of opening your mouth wide to allow more oxygen to enter your brain should be called a yawn? it certainly isn't the sound i make when i yawn. what happens is i open my mouth and i inhale loudly. Its almost silent- unless you listen closely then you can hear this noise which sounds like the slow motion of a gasp. And why must that surprising sound we make be called a gasp?i know for sure that we definitely don't say "GASP! did you see how big ellen page's stomach was in Juno?" i mean, sure, we do the action, but the sound that comes out doesn't sound like a g-a-s-p. ok im digressing. focus!

oh yeah, i was talking about being tired. I think most of us are always tired when we're supposed to be wide awake. why?why does our biological clock always go cuckoo on us when we need it right?
And we, lazy homosapiens who love short cuts and secret formulas, come up with a million and one ways to stay awake. Some chew sour gum or lime juice, some slap themselves, some pinch themselves and some bite their fingernails. ok fine the last one's just me. What i don't get is why must we subject ourselves to pain in order to stay awake? why can't being happy be the formula instead? Maybe we should invent a Giggle Gadget that we can bring along. But then i guess it'd be weird to see giggling exhausted people in school or at the office.
"And so, *giggle* excuse me, we can see that stocks are *giggle* increasing in the productivity *giggle* area *giggle* . I'm sorry boss, *giggle* i'm tired. *giggle*" . Hey, happy people live longer anyway. oh! an involuntary smile pill should help. grin like nobody's business

#3 oops, wasn't me

Everybody farts. its a fact of life, face it. even shiny pretty humans like paris hilton farts. only no one knows cuz the paparazzi can't capture a fart on camera. maybe they should invent a camera that detects farts in the future. then they can also start a fart tabloid.
you know how that old joke goes. When the american farts, he says "excuse me"; when the british farts, he says "pardon me"; and when the singaporean farts, he says "not me". its true actually.
i mean, there's just something condemningly horribly embarrassing about admitting that that helluva poison gas was produced by someone who looks like they can do a air-wick commercial. its not so bad when you fart while walking, cause there's so much people and so much movement, i guess the stink bomb diffuses quickly. unless of course, the sound comes with it, then good luck pretending it didn't come from you.
but you know what's the worse thing? when you fart in the lift. its just a small enclosed area with that ventilator fan whirling around above your heads, it doesn't help much if the lift's crowded. So when you let go, you better start looking around and put that accusatory look on your face so people'll think you're one of the many victims in that lift subjected to those biological fumes. i guess that's not the worst thing that could happen to you, cause no one could point a finger at you for sure and say "aha! its you! i knew it cause i saw your skirt swish when you farted!" No, in a crowded lift, that could never happen. Unless a skirt chaser was standing behind you and he's allergic to fart.
No i gues the worst thing that could happen is when you're alone in the lift with just another person. Now that's the embarrassment bomb. its either you or that person. and you can't pretend it didn't come from you cause that's just stupid. "geez, what'd you have for lunch, mexican food and beans?"

#2 fatal attraction, cupcake

You know how people like to use tt term fatal attraction?like "wow she's so hot" or "she's drop dead gorgeous". and then some guys like to tell those girls who aren't drop dead gorgeous, "hey you look prettier when you smile". And when you know you secretly like the dude back, you'll smile as much as you can when you're around him. but wouldn't it be hilariously weird if everytime he comes around you suddenly smile and light up like a lightbulb?
say you've been having a bad day all along and then you spot him in the distance and you start showing off your pearly white teeth like you're in a oral-b commercial. now that's not pretty, that's creepy, more like it. Now there's a catch to that "you look prettier when you smile" compliment. it actually means "im sorry honey, the sultry pout that models love to do doesn't work for you, so try smiling like the girl next door. But don't smile too much till you look like some maniac especially when you have spinach stuck in between your teeth. Cuz then it won't be fatal attraction anymore, it just be fatal."

And i know some people think wearing those tight tank tops that expose their bellys look hot. i don't have anything against that look cuz some people actually do look good in them. But if i weighed like 80 kilos and i had a flabby tummy i definitely wouldn't wear them cuz dang, its not hot anymore. I'd look like one of those cupcakes. with really small cups and fluffy delicious pastry threatening to spill over anytime. i suppose that look is cute on a cupcake with rainbow sprinkles and all; but not when its on me, with a tight tank top squeezing the life and flesh outta my mid drift. i guess no one would be calling me "cupcake" anytime soon then.

for a more professonal monologue/reflection, try this: http://ellen.warnerbros.com/ellens_thoughts/

#1 ellentastic!

instead of using the word fantastic, i've coined a new term in honor of how ellen makes us all feel everyday. so when we've had a super rad day, i'll say "how was you day? i've had an ellentastic day!" see? its so much more appropriate than FANtastic. i mean what does a fan gotta do with making people feel so happy that they've used the word fan for a term that means wonderful?
i'm guessing that in the past, it was probably very hot and humid, so when they discovered the fan, it felt so soothing and cool that they decided to pay tribte to this wonderful invention and say, "my my, watson, the weather today is simply fantastic!"

i mean, don't get me wrong, the fan is a very good invention. if there were no fans, there wouldn't be air conditioners, cuz air cons used the fan as an inspiration. and imagine what we'd all be like without fans! i bet we'd all be so wet with our sweat we'd all just stick together if we bumped into another person. then we'd have no use for velcro strips. or post-it notes. all we'd need to do is swab the strip of paper on our arms and stick it onto our books as a post-it note.