#14 Writers' unmentionables

Looking back at the history of new words, I've realised that there's plenty of words we dare type and write out but never dare to say out loud. Like for instance thingamijig. What in the good name of english history is that, i hear you ask? It's actually just a thing. Or thingy, to all you text messaging lightning fingers. There's plenty of unmentionables going around, and i bet its probably because we're too lazy to speak the proper words. Like how birthday evolved to bday. And Valentines became Vday. And how dictionary became- ok nevermind. Talk about tongue exercise. Lift up that 5 pound tongue stud! again! again!

Really, I don't understand why people have to come up with colorful words like kahoona! and egad! in their writings when they know they'll never say it outta their mouths. Probably cuz it increases the potential for showers of blessings with their spittle. And maybe the occational flying wonder denture.

If we're gonna keep on using these writers' unmentionables, I think we should say them out loud too. But to prevent moments of booboo, maybe scientists should invent a bib-like thing to catch all our spittle or whatever it is that flies out of our mouths. We should call it the "Watch out! Unmentionable coming through" bib. Now that's coolio, dontcha think?

#13 And i think i'm pretending...

Just the other day the bus halted to a stop so suddenly that everyone jerked forward so hard, i think we all grew by an inch. Let me get my measuring tape... yep, just as i had suspected. Anyway, i was standing so i looked like a neanthethal learning ballet while trying to avoid crashing into the girl next to me. How embarrassing; it's going on my black list just after removing my stockings on the bus and talking to a random stranger whom i thought was my friend and calling the Ben & Jerry's cow mascot "Daisy the Queen Fairy" after having too many drinks. No, i think that could exist on a list by itself if it happened.

The thing is, the gift of pretending can come in pretty handy sometimes. Now listen, i said sometimes. I can't help you if you mischieviously smacked an old lady's bottom, mistaking her for your nanny. Although i have not the slightest idea why anybody would do that. And no, telling her you saw a mosquito is not going to help your situation either. But that aside, pretending is pretty much cool. Say you've accidentally tripped while walking on the sidewalk; you could break into a jog and pretend you're training for a marathon-on Manolo heels. Or you've been caught digging your nose; "well, i was trying to adjust my nose stud that the body-art artist pierced upside down." Or you accidentally sing out of tune during chapel; just cough, look apologetic and say "New diaphrams".
And if you knock over a screaming yellow, look-at-me, "Danger-wet floor" cone in a huge mall, and attract lots of attention, i highly suggest quickly putting the poor cone upright again and pretend you're auditioning for a broadway show as the leading old lady. Cuz telling them you were watching ellen on a certain person's ipod isn't exactly helpful-even if it's the truth. *ahem, you know who you are*

I guess my pretending to be Billy Elliot on the bus the other day wasn't that helpful after all; considering the commuters' cross expressions and myraid of bandages on their toes when i alighted. oops

#12 yakedy yak show

Ellen's into her fifth season of her talk show, and she's done all sorts of things to pass the time. Dancing, Kaw-ing, you name it, she's probably done it. The other day she was having the $100 000 game week, and oh boy, do i applaude her. Being a talk show host isn't exactly a bed of roses. You meet all sorts of people, the tall-short-fat-thin-chatty-clammy-smelly-jumpy-huggy-screamy type. This lady on her show won and she went hyper sceamy. Ellen's face was hilarious! "aw crap another hug! But it was nice i guess. The crew better have my wipes ready, i love my audience but i dont wanna smell like them."
Being a talkshow host sure is tough. You gotta make everyone happy and comfortable, even though you feel like someone planted a cactus on your seat. Even if your favourite pair of trousers has a split cuz you danced over the coffee table one too many times. Even if they have fish breath. You gotta offer them mints without insulting them. I know, lets replace the mallows with mints and play the mallow game. Ok, that's better. Do i still look like a member of the Blue Man Group?
You gotta hug them, scream with them, keep them talking if they look like their lips're frozen together, or stop them from talking cuz you gotta remind the audience who's the host again. Sometimes i can almost see her going on in her head "Just keep talking. just keep talking..." in the tune of Dory's motto, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." As they say, the show must go on. But i totally have no idea how that's gonna happen if an audience member has me in a bear hug so tight the death grip would be ashamed. Or if i have on thongs so tight i could taste the cotton plant. Cuz then i wouldn't be able to dance over my coffee table and the show could never go on. Before ellen, i never knew the therapeutic powers of dancing. Who knew a little jig and shimmy could be so helpful? At the end of the day, if dancing over your coffee table or flower pot helps, do it! Who cares if it increases the risk of gaining a hole in the crotch of your trousers? At least you're feeling all good and ready to go, since there's only..."30 seconds to air"

# 11 Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Its pretty awkward when we bum into people who remember us like yesterday but we remember them like last century. You're thinking should you smile and wiggle your way outta the situation or start playing "guess my name".
And all the names start flooding your mind, fred, joe, allen, jim,no that's not right, its doug! Wait, or was it sally? Gee i can't remember.
You can tell when you're the bumper and you've caught your friend (or at least he was, 20 years ago) unaware. They've got that deer in the headlights look, their gaze is shifty, and their feet look like they're competiting for a re-match against the penguins from Happy Feet.
After getting over the disappointment that your friend has remembered you as well as their 6th grade math formulas, the fate of their embarrassment lies in your hands. Should you make them sweat or let 'em off the hook?
"Hey what's up, Bob! Its been like 10 years!" "uh yea hi.."
"Its me! Susan! From elementary school! Gosh, I still remember when you had that haircut! So..What's up? Anything interesting?"
"uhh..No. Hey listen, I'd really like to catch up, but I gotta..." "Aww, come on, I'm sure you could steal like 5 minutes to chat,"
" uh, well I was thinking of robbing that bank downtown, and uh, I've never been good at picking locks, and uh.."
That, i think has to be the best get-away-from-me line ever. Because I'm sorry, i'd love being friends and all, but I'd never be caught dead wearing an orange jumpsuit. Nuh-uh. Orange just isn't my color. Maybe neon green?

#10 waiting...

Waiting is a funny thing. Well at least I like to think of it as funny. People say it teaches patience, I think it teaches you what to do with your body instead of going rigid with shock that we still have to wait in an "instant" world. I like to watch what people do while they wait. Some hum a little tune, tap their fingers on whatever they can find (table, side of their legs, side of their cheeks...oh wait that one's just simon cowell). Some others like to stare into blank space. I like to call that spazzing/stoning. It looks like the most fun thing to do while waiting cuz you can do nothing, or you can imagine you're doing stuff i your head without actually doing it. (Now now, don't think it that way). Like drumming your fingers without actually doing that, or how to get that booger that's been bugging you all day outta your nose without looking like a neanderthal. Oh maybe that's just me. I think. Or is it? You never know what's going on in people's head while they wait. Its random. Just like the particles of air moving at high speeds and colliding into each other. Kinda like bumper cars. whoopee doo. You know what i just realised? Waiters. They're called waiters cuz they wait on you. Duh. I knew that. But they also make you wait. No, not the serving kind. The twiddling thumbs thing. Waiters make you wait. The main culprit's the chef, but waiters're the scapegoats. they're the faces we see while our stomachs grumble. If the soup of the day is late, people snap at the waiter, adding in unreasonable requests. "Why can't you stap on rollers and hurry over?! The soup's cold! What, you had to visit the Atlantic before getting to my table?" And "Stop all that smile and chatting! Start serving! I'm starving!" Sadly, waiters are paid to be polite. "Now Steven. You know what your job requires. Do whatever it takes to keep the diners' mind off the waiting. If you have to stuff 3 bread rolls into their mouth, do it." wow. what a job.
Hey Steven, what's your job right now? Oh i'm paid to make people wait without getting 'em pissed. what a job eh? So what about you John? Oh i make my living consoling people and enlightening their wallets. Get it? Con-man equals console, not con-con.
Ah, finally! my Penang famous fried noodles are here! I'm proud to say i waited this monologue out. Sadly, i havent come up with a plan for operation: Remove that booger